6 Ways Critics Of Political Correctness Have It Backwards

During the recent Republican primary debate, the frontrunning “candidate,” Donald Trump, said something that stuck out to me. No, I’m not talking about the time he admitted to bribing politicians or when he vomited a world-eating snake, I’m talking about his comments on political correctness:

Fox News

This is something I hear a lot these days — sometimes it’s angry bloggers complaining about “Social Justice Warriors” or “SJWs,” sometimes it’s Bill Maher, and sometimes it’s even actual human beings with real thoughts and feelings. So I dug into some of the “PC Suckz00rz” arguments and quickly realized that not only are they wrong, they’re exactly wrong, which is sort of impressive.

#6. “Political Correctness Is Inefficient And Stifling”

GooDween123/iStock/Getty Images

This is the overall complaint about all things PC, and it’s the heart of Donald Trump’s complaint: We don’t have time for feelings because we need to focus on getting shit done. After all, we have big problems in this world: war, hunger, slavery, torture, the economy, the black leather seats in my car get really hot, there’s a fly hovering around my desk that won’t go away, Twitter hashtags, and so on.

Even though that intuitively makes sense, because feelings are weak and weakness must be burned to fuel the fires of Our Great And Cruel Machine, science has found the opposite to be true. Turns out political correctness actually makes us more efficient: A study found that when you have a mixed-gender group of people who are given a problem to solve and asked to consider political correctness, they generate more ideas, and the ideas are more novel. Diversity makes us better at doing shit together. For a great example, check out how The Avengers were able to defeat Loki.

Marvel Studios
Even this guy had a purpose.

And these results extend beyond that one study: Looking at wall street, scientists found that markets with ethnic diversity tend to work better and more accurately than markets that are all white — not because white people suck at Wall Streeting or whatever, but a bunch of people with different conceptions and backgrounds are better at getting things done than a bunch of clones of the same guy. Which, incidentally, is also why The Avengers were able to defeat Ultron.

Marvel Studios
Notice how they were helpless until the black guy showed up?

Similarly, hospitality and retail businesses with gender-diverse workforces tend to make more money than those dominated by one gender. Don’t you see? Instead of fighting over which gender is better, we need to accept that by working together we make each other stronger. Just like The Avengers. Also just like The Avengers, we apparently can never remember this lesson for longer than a couple hours.

Disney
Sigh.

#5. “The Politically Correct Have No Sense Of Humor”

Chris Amaral/DigitalVision/Getty

So even if diversity is good, that’s not just what political correctness is about, right? It’s also about limiting what words people are allowed to use in polite company, and that makes comedy impossible, as illustrated by this comic, which exploded on Reddit a while back:

I don’t know if this is intentional, but this comic perfectly illustrates the backward thinking of people who are anti-politically correct: They’re mad because they can’t keep telling the same damn jokes we’ve already heard. People don’t tell “a [race] guy, a [different race] guy, and a [third goddamn race] guy walk into a bar” jokes anymore because they’re played out and racial stereotypes are terrible. That’s not just one example, by the way — whenever I hear someone getting defensive about jokes and political correctness, they’re defending really crappy jokes. People act like comedy exists in a bubble that’s independent of reality and context, which is amazing because it manages to misunderstand jokes, the human brain, and all of society all at once. Jokes live and die on the preconceptions you bring to them as a human being. Imagine trying to browse Cracked with no understanding of who Batman is — 50 percent of our content would be complete gibberish.

“But the PC people are still saying that we’re not allowed to make jokes on certain subjects, like rape! That’s censorship!” First off, how did you just type a sentence into the middle of my article? Are you a witch? But, more importantly, sure: People got mad at Daniel Tosh for saying the word “rape” and Michael Richards for saying the word “come on, you know exactly what he said.”

Except that’s not why they got mad, is it? Because Louis CK and Sarah Silverman seem to have no problem telling jokes with those words in them and still being coddled by feminist and progressive bloggers all over the place. It seems like Richards and Tosh got in trouble for being complete assholes on stage, which is something that has probably always been frowned upon. I don’t think there’s any point in comedy history where it’s been impolite for your audience to dislike you. Feel free to correct me.

No? No one has anything to say? How about you, straw man who spoke earlier? No? OK, next entry.

#4. “You Can’t Get Away With As Much Today”

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images

Complaints about political correctness usually include the phrase “these days,” meaning that things were better before and this sensitivity is new. The most recent example as of writing this (which is probably an outdated sentence once this article gets published) is Mel Brooks complaining that he wouldn’t have been able to make Blazing Saddles today. Why not? Because back then people weren’t happy with the use of “The N-Word,” punching an old lady, and farting, and he really had to fight to get them in the movie. You might notice that that makes no sense. So did Brooks, because he revisited the idea later and explained that the politically correct “weren’t so strong then” which is what allowed him to get away with the aforementioned N-Word, geezer-punches, and farting.

To which one can’t help but widen their eyes, drop their jaws, and ask, “What the hell are you talking about? That shit happens in movies all the time.”

The Weinstein Company/Universal Pictures/Grant Llamos IV
From Left: Django Unchained, Hot Fuzz, Kevin James.

In fact, I can’t even really fake sympathy for this kind of complaint because it’s so hilariously myopic. Have you not heard of the goddamn Hays Code? The Comics Code Authority? Fucking McCarthyism? And that’s just this century.

The thing is, the difference between “political correctness” and “censorship” is that censorship is law laid down by an authority and political correctness comes from the ground up. And I sorta instinctively like the latter better? Let me explain why.

#3. “It’s Just Overreactions, Censorship, And Changing Words For No Reason”

eve_eve01genesis/iStock/Getty Images

The problem with political correctness, they’ll say, is the hypersensitivity and the overreactions. Then they’ll mention that time when Dr. Matt Taylor landed a probe on a comet and all feminists did was whine about how offensive his shirt was:

That tweet got over a thousand retweets, which is … hold on, let me run the numbers … just shy of being notable. Sorry: The Internet is a big place. A thousand retweets would be really great for me, one of my articles, or a joke I wrote, but as far as being a bona fide “big deal,” it hardly counts. Still, the shirt was pretty tacky, so Taylor eventually apologized, and everyone moved on … except the people who were mad at feminists for bringing it up in the first place:

That’s an article from The Telegraph written by the mayor of London, in which he compares a sarcastic tweet and Taylor’s dignified but emotionally honest apology to fucking war crimes. The reality, of course, was that a guy did a thing, realized it, and had the fucking integrity, dignity, and bravery to admit he was wrong. Captain British-Pants Willikins McLondonMayor (I didn’t bother looking up his name), on the other hand, was offended that a woman wanted to talk about something other than what a man was talking about. But no, sure, it’s the feminists who were overreacting with their snarky tweets.

Then we have a recent freak-out about how University Of New Hampshire’s “Bias-Free Language Guide” suggested that “American” shouldn’t be used to describe American citizens because of the other countries in North, Central, and South America. The list inspired editorials lamenting “political correctness gone maaad” and speculating that it might signal the end of free speech forever — even though the “Language Guide” was an academic thought exercise with no on-campus authority whatsoever. Basically, a college was exploring some ideas about language, and anti-PC activists responded by accusing them of trying to repeal the fucking Bill Of Rights.

Even worse is when the anti-PC people go around trying to tell everyone what they’re allowed to be offended by. If we can revisit the Matt Taylor shirt thing for a second, check out this article, which says that feminists can be offended by the shirt, but only because it’s “tacky,” not because it’s sexist, because being offended by the latter is like saying that “only their sensibilities matter. … Why are feminist motives so special?” What the fuck is this guy even talking about? Does he think that feminists have the power to erase his opinions by stating their own? Well, chill out, dude. They can’t do that. You’re allowed to think whatever you want — the feminists are unfit to fetter you.


You’re free to frolic through fields of fantasy, friend.

Then there are the people who complain that political correctness is just about changing words for no reason, but here’s Fox News insisting on calling Caitlyn Jenner a man, for no reason. Here are other people insisting on calling her Bruce, again, even though she doesn’t want them to. Regardless of your opinion on trans rights, that’s just nonsense. This isn’t like debating which bathroom she should use or anything else that could in theory have an impact on someone else’s life — it’s just her name and preferred pronoun. Refusing to do that is closer to grade-school bullying than political debate, but people are willing to go on national TV and mark their careers with a “Charlie? More like Fartly!” routine over something that, apparently, isn’t important.

#2. “Politically Correct Ideas Are Anti-Business”

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images

Let’s talk about video games for a minute, because who doesn’t love that shit? As we’ve covered before, the “gamer” community hates political correctness more than any other group that exists does aside from, like, actual neo-Nazis. A great example is that time Anita Sarkeesian once mentioned video games in passing to a friend and immediately unseated Jesus Christ and Bono to become the most famous human being who has ever existed. Or something. Anyway, gamers often insist that, yes, while every video game character that has ever existed is a straight white male, this is only true because there are no women or black people who play video games, because women and black people are imaginary (you can tell because they never appear in video games). Except no part of that is true.

According to the Entertainment Software Association, adult women make up 36 percent of gamers, edging out adult men who flounder helplessly behind them at 35 percent. Teenage boys, the people that we design video games for —


See?

— make up only 17 percent of gamers. And while some of you are rambling about how these women aren’t real gamers because playing Candy Crush on your iPhone doesn’t count, keep in mind the average adult female gamer has been fiddling with their gamepads (and probably playing video games too) for at least 13 years.

On top of that, studies show that not only are more high school girls playing video games because, duh, video games are awesome, but all these gamers prefer more gender-inclusive video games — high school kids are actually more likely to have no preference or prefer playing as a woman than they are to want a male hero. Which is exactly why so many games now offer the option to play as another gender.

And this is the future — for not only video games but movies as well: The people behind Furious 7‘s no-holds-barred adrenaline-fueled thrill-ride through the box office credit the movie’s diversity with its success, saying that they’ll factor that into their decisions about future “large-scale action epics.” Political correctness is, in fact, good for business.

#1. “PC People Are Trying To Rewrite History”

Keith Hinman/iStock/Getty Images

This most recently became a big part of the “PC debate” with the argument surrounding the Confederate flag. People argue that the Confederate flag is a symbol of Southern heritage that has been appropriated by racists, and that saying that people shouldn’t fly it is a way to try to rewrite history by removing the symbol.

Except calling the Confederate flag a symbol of anything other than slavery is, in itself, rewriting history. As 100 million people have pointed out, there’s absolutely no ambiguity as to why the Civil War was fought: The Northern states wanted to abolish slavery, and the Southern states didn’t. The South started a war because they were willing to fight and die for what they believed in, and, yes, their “valor became legendary in military history,” you creepy bastard, but what they believed in was owning other human beings. They believed in white supremacy. That’s why they designed the flag and started the war in the first place.

Even the “it was fought over states’ rights” argument is bunk, because states in the Confederacy had fewer rights than states in the union — specifically, they weren’t allowed to make slavery illegal.

Arguments about honoring the dead Confederate soldiers are potentially misguided because, according to this West Point history professor, defeating the Confederacy is the U.S. military’s “finest hour,” precisely because of the slavery thing. Flying a Confederate flag is the most anti-military, anti-patriotic thing you can fucking do. And yet the people who defend it are accusing everyone else of rewriting history.

Man, that’s some tortured logic there. If I didn’t know better, I’d say these people were just looking for an excuse to be dumbdumbs.

Courtesy of Cracked!

5 Insane True Stories That Change How You Picture WWII

We’re probably just a couple of decades away from the day when humanity collectively decides that World War II just didn’t happen, that the whole thing was just too insane to be real. We’re pretty confident that if there is ever a war crazier than WWII, none of us will survive it.

The best evidence of how batshit things got is that so many of the weirder stories just became footnotes in your history book. For instance, we bet that before today you had no idea that …

#5. The Nazis Had A Supervillain Arctic Base To Make Nukes … And 11 Men Took It Out

via visitrjukan.com

Picture the scene: A small group of WWII Norwegian commandos (basically, Vikings with tommy guns) are skiing away from an Arctic Nazi base with 3,000 pissed-off German soldiers on their tails. Why are the Nazis so angry? Because the Norwegians just set off explosive charges inside the aforementioned base, ruining Germany’s chances of producing nuclear weapons. Yep, Adolf Hitler could have had some nukes to play with if it wasn’t for these guys:

via visitrjukan.com
The most impressive part? They managed to tow their balls all the way up there.

This sounds like some badass Kirk Douglas movie (in fact, it is), but it’s exactly what happened during Operation Gunnerside in 1943. When the Germans rudely came to crash on Norway’s couch in the early ’40s, they took over a factory up in Telemark that produced heavy water — aka, exactly the thing they needed to make plutonium. The Allies, realizing that “Nazis with ingredients for an atom bomb” was a somewhat undesirable situation, sent 30 British Army officers to sabotage the plant, but a combination of awful weather conditions and the Gestapo killed the entire group. So, the Allies sent something even more deadly than 30 Brits: 11 Norwegians.

As if the mission wasn’t insane enough, the Germans then decided to beef up the plant’s defenses, sprinkling mines, floodlights, and guards all over the place. The only way to get into Hitler’s Arctic nuke factory was a Nazi-held bridge over a 660-foot ice gorge, because sometimes history sounds like shit that we just made up.

Anders Beer Wilse
It looked like this, but covered in snow and swastikas.

Or at least the Germans thought that was the only way in — the Norwegians simply climbed down the supposedly un-scalable ice gorge and snuck into the factory. They laid the explosives and were about to light the fuse and escape, but (and none of this is a joke) the base’s Norwegian caretaker, whom they were holding at gunpoint, announced he’d lost his glasses and refused to leave until they were found. Naturally, the commandos put the “stop Hitler from getting the bomb” plan on hold until they’d located gramps’ glasses.

Hallvard Straume/Wiki Commons
At which point he put them on and went, “Oh, shit, you guys aren’t janitors.”

Not only did the commandos complete their mission without casualties (they released the caretaker and another civilian as soon as the fuses were lit) and get medals up their asses, one of them (and three other Norwegians) actually came back later to sink the ferry the Germans were trying to use to evacuate the heavy water they already had. Jesus. We know these were literally Nazis and the fate of the world was at stake, but that just feels like bullying now, Norway.

#4. Japan Was Building A Tesla-Inspired “Death Ray”

Dickenson V. Alley

The revolutionary ideas of Nikola Tesla have inspired electric car manufacturers, awesome T-shirts, and the “revolutionary” ideas of Thomas Edison. What you might not know is that Tesla also caused WWII-era Japan to aspire to even higher levels of batshit insanity when he uttered two little words: “death” and “ray.”

Dickenson V. Alley
“Ooooh, are those tentacles?”

After famously inventing an earthquake machine, alternating current, and even drones, Tesla claimed in 1934 that he had a “death beam” that could wipe out entire armies. This was never proven, and most of the world didn’t seem to take the idea very seriously … except for Japan, who took it seriously enough to give their scientists the dramatic sum of 1 million yen to build one of these things. Future Nobel Prize winner Sin-Itiro Tomonaga was involved in the appropriately titled “Project Power,” which by the end of the war had produced a legit death-ray prototype capable of killing at a distance of up to half a mile. The catch: The target had to stand perfectly still for five to 10 minutes, so this doomsday device would have been effective only against the extremely lazy.

via worldwarphotos.info
“Samuels! Nooooooooooooooooo … Hey, Samuels, can you stand over here?”

The prototype wasn’t particularly cool-looking, either. It was just a magnetron (equipment mostly used for radars back then) and a 75-foot mirror, which is generally not something you’d try to haul to a battlefield. Still, it was a work in progress, and it did work — Japan’s mad scientists successfully tested it against tied-up rabbits, monkeys, and marmots, and even managed to use it to stop a motor (if the hood was up). One of the experimenters tested it on himself for a few seconds and felt dizzy and fatigued for the next 24 hours. Presumably, he grew into a giant and stomped Tokyo after that.

Japan never got a chance to whip out their death ray during battle. We have no idea what happened to the prototype (some say they threw it into a lake), but we can only hope some American soldier snuck it home and used it to cook hamburgers from a mile away on the Fourth of July.

#3. Hitler Saved America From A Nazi Bioweapon Plot

Bundesarchiv, Bild 101I-089-3778-15/Finke/CC-BY-SA

“Nazis with biological weapons” sounds like the name of the baddies in some sci-fi video game full of impossibly-boobed women, but it’s a thing that almost existed. Germany’s biologists didn’t just sit around comparing beards in WWII; they actually figured out how to make all sorts of bioweapons. The fact that they didn’t use any is all thanks to one individual who single-handedly threw a wrench in this Nazi super-plot. This guy:

Photos.com/PHOTOS.com/Getty Images
Coincidentally, it’s the same man who killed Hitler.

Perhaps we should explain. In 1943, a high-ranking Nazi scientist recommended, “America must be attacked simultaneously with various human and animal epidemic pathogens as well as plant pests.” And they totally could have done it. The Nazis had already carried out a series of bizarre insect-related tests, at one point even toying with the idea of releasing up to 40 million weaponized potato beetles over England’s crops — there’s an alternate reality where “Beatlemania” refers to the time half of Britain starved because of Nazi bugs.

William Lovelace/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
The effects would have been almost as devastating as the real thing.

The scientists also learned how to weaponize a whole bunch of human diseases, including typhoid, cholera, and, oh, freaking anthrax. The ingenious synthetic medium they invented to keep the diseases dangerous for weeks was considered an “outstanding” (read: terrifying) achievement by the American scientists who raided Nazi laboratories after the war.

So why didn’t they use all this stuff? Because the boss-man didn’t like it. Early in the war, Hitler issued an obscure order that said there could be no offensive biological weapons research. Nazi scientists basically ignored that order and did it anyway, but Hitler refused to change his mind when he was informed that he now had WMDs. Theories about why he did that abound: Maybe it’s because he had bad experiences with bioweapons during WWI, or because he considered science in general an elaborate Jewish plot, or because he was high on cocaine and bull semen around this time. Probably a combination of all three.

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
“Bah, more like biolo-jew-cal weapons.”

Still, you would think selling Hitler on the “wipe out America tonight” idea would be an easy task, but nope; he didn’t budge. The moral of this story: If you want to take over Europe, don’t be a paranoid anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist with an affinity for cocaine-bull-semen speedballs, kids.

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#2. An American Citizen And A Downed Japanese Pilot Teamed Up To “Invade” Hawaii

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On Dec. 7, 1941, Japanese pilot Shigenori Nishikaichi was flying home after a productive morning of shitting all over Pearl Harbor, when he crash-landed on an island due to a technical problem (his plane’s karma shield broke). The residents of Niihau, the smallest main island of Hawaii, treated Shigenori exactly the way you’d expect cartoon versions of Hawaiians to treat an enemy combatant: by feeding him breakfast and throwing a big luau for him.

To be fair, they had no idea the U.S. was now at war with Japan, since Niihau didn’t have advanced technology like “phones” or “any form of communication.”

James Lansdale/U.S. Army
“It looks like your dragon isn’t gonna make it, sir.”

Yoshio Harada, a natural-born American citizen of Japanese ancestry, was brought in to translate for Shigenori, so he did exactly that … while leaving out some small details, like the whole “This guy just bombed Pearl Harbor” part. Word of the attacks reached the island anyway, at which point the situation turned rather awkward — Shigenori demanded that the guy who pulled his ass out of the wreckage, Howell Kaleohano, return some Japanese documents he’d grabbed from the plane. Kaleohano declined, presumably because toilet paper was a rare commodity on the island. Fittingly, that’s when shit got real.

Deciding that Japan was definitely gonna win the war, Harada stole some guns and basically enrolled in the Japanese army right there. He attacked the guard keeping tabs on Shigenori, and then the two paid Kaleohano a visit to politely ask for the secret papers back (with a shotgun). Kaleohano escaped and went into full Paul Revere mode, telling everyone on the island the luau was definitely over. As panic gripped Niihau, Shigenori and Harada went drunk with power: They carjacked a wagon and pimped it with belt-fed machine guns salvaged from the wreckage, then went around shooting guns and taking hostages. They also went back to Kaleohano’s house and burned it to the ground for no reason, since Kaleohano was by then in the process of rowing to the nearest payphone.

Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
You know someone’s a dick when arson doesn’t count as the worst thing they did that day.

When the Japanese duo threatened to start executing hostages unless they produced the secret papers, a man named Ben Kanahene and his wife, Ella, charged at the pilot, bashed his head, and slit his throat with a knife. Harada still had a gun, but he used it in the most sensible way, given the situation: He shot himself rather than face the husband-and-wife tag team. Kanahene was loaded with awards, medals, citations, a purple heart, and even a song titled “They Couldn’t Take Niihau, Nohow” for defeating a Japanese invasion with a knife and a wife. Ella got a “Nice going, sweetheart. Now bring us some Mai Tais.”

Hawaii Reporter
And 120,000 Japanese Americans were forced to live behind barbed wire.

#1. Japan And Germany Planned To Send A Dirty Bomb To America Delivered By Kamikaze Submarines

Wiki Commons

There’s only one thing crazier than German and Japanese plans to destroy America: a joint German-Japanese plan to destroy America.

Kokusai Shasin Shimbun
Right now, someone reading this article is having the most inappropriate boner in existence.

Right before the war ended, the Nazis ordered a submarine, the U-234, to take all of their secret weapons to Japan — including, apparently, a shitload of uranium. After their Arctic plutonium factory was blown up, the Nazis had tried their hands at a uranium bomb but didn’t get enough before Roosevelt, Truman, Stalin, Churchill, and whoever was in charge of France showed up to party in Berlin. The likely Japanazi plan was now to use what they had to build a dirty bomb, a bomb with radioactive stuff attached to it for when a normal explosion doesn’t say “fuck you” loudly enough. The recipient of that “fuck you”? The U.S. West Coast.

To actually get the dirty bomb to America, the Japanese would have called on some old friends of ours: the insane I-400 class submarines, which launched kamikaze aircraft via catapults. Japan had a whole bunch of those giant bastards equipped with planes decorated in fake U.S. markings for extra confusion. After sending the knockoff planes on radiation-packed suicide airstrikes to San Francisco and Los Angeles, Japan would … still lose the war, but, man, what a note to go out on.

Obviously, none of that happened. Some believe the uranium did technically get to Japan, just not in the way they expected. As in:

Charles Levi/U.S. Amry
“Shit.”

Yep. According to a former official of the Manhattan Project, after the U-234 submarine was captured en route to Japan, the German uranium ended up going into the atom bomb we dropped on Hiroshima. The U.S. was low on uranium when this little radioactive package fell in its lap, so it was arranged for it to be conveniently misplaced. This is still officially denied, because apparently “We won the war with Nazi uranium” wouldn’t look great in history books.

But wait — what happened to those pesky kamikaze submarines? Even without dirty bombs, they could have still done plenty of damage — and they almost did, if it wasn’t for a little scheduling mishap. The subs set off from Japan and were all set to fuck up the Panama Canal on Aug. 17, but Japan surrendered on Aug. 15. The U.S. Navy then blew all of them up so the Soviets wouldn’t take a peek, which is a fittingly bonkers ending to the I-400 legend.

Courtesy of Cracked!

5 Stupid War Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks To Movies)

Even if you’ve never been to war, you probably think you can spot where war movies get it wrong. Surely the Spartans didn’t really go into battle wearing nothing but capes and loincloths, and obviously dudes aren’t picking up heavy machine guns and mowing down entire armies, Rambo-style. But if you start to really delve into what war movies get wrong, you find out the answer is everything. Even the stuff that looks fairly authentic.

Common myths include …

#5. “Ancient Battles Started With A Charge And Turned Into Melee Combat”

Warner Bros

Where You Have Seen It:

Return Of The King, Braveheart, 300, 300: Rise Of An Empire, King Arthur, every single other movie in that genre

Two armies are lined up against each other on a field. The generals give the order to charge, and both armies will hold a disciplined formation for, oh, about one minute:

At that point, any semblance of a formation comes apart as the troops just run-scream their way into a massive melee, Braveheart-style. The battle immediately turns into a total free-for-all, allowing the main characters to show us the superiority of their cool combo attacks against random extras. At some point, the protagonist inevitably spots the main villain or their lieutenant, at which point he usually just strolls toward them through the middle of the field, killing a couple of enemies on the way.

But Actually …

Sure, some brave people used to fight like that. Or, rather, tried to. You know what history calls them now? Losers, or “I’m sorry, who?”

The reason the armies of ancient Macedonians and Romans tended to win against less organized folk (say, the Celts) is not because each and every one of their soldiers was more ferocious in single combat. It’s because their professional troops stayed in those boring, organized formations and specifically avoided just charging into battle. Their well-armored and disciplined troops formed up into ranks and pushed their way down the field, one step at a time. That first minute of battle in the 300 clip was surprisingly accurate …

Warner Bros
Right down to Spartans having CGI six-packs.

… before everyone suddenly turned on Matrix Mode and gained the power to slow down time:

Warner Bros
It’s well known that bullet time was invented by Teddy Roosevelt.

That tightly protected formation is essentially a tank, which would allow armies to amble around the battlefield spear-stabbing everyone, resisting their natural urge for badass, glistening-pecs warfare. Most every successful pre-firearm warrior culture organized special formations like that to whip out against their less strategically minded opponents. Even Vikings, the poster boys of undisciplined berserker rage, often fought in basic shield-wall formations.

As for the whole “break from formation to engage in slow-mo melee combat” thing, it just didn’t happen if the warriors knew what they were doing. The thing about fighting shoulder to shoulder in close formation and close enough to the enemy to smell their (lack of) deodorant is that you don’t have much room to dance around swinging a sword. As such, especially during the classical era of Greece and Rome, battles between hoplites or legions mostly consisted of which side was better at holding their line and pushing the other side back.

Daniel Adams/Wikipedia
Basically, a slightly less violent version of Red Rover.

In other words, it was tedious as shit, both to watch and participate in. You can see the irony here; the method depends on the other side wanting the same thing movie audiences want now — acrobatic, one-on-one combat to prove who is the better man. The armies who succumbed to that temptation got their asses kicked.

Now, we all know that, centuries later, armies attempted to do the same with muskets, lining up on the battlefield in flamboyant uniforms only to be slaughtered by smarter enemies shooting from cover. In other words …

#4. “Muskets Turned Linear Warfare Into A Ridiculous Mass Suicide”

Columbia Pictures

Where You Have Seen It:

The Patriot, Last Of The Mohicans, Barry Lyndon, Sharpe, any film about the Napoleonic Wars or 18th-century warfare in general

The “let’s line up on an open field and musket-blast each other” era is the goofy laughingstock of warfare history: Pompous officers in powdered wigs eye each other from afar as their rows of soldiers in funny hats and obnoxiously bright clothes prepare to slowly march toward each other. Each party politely fires a couple of volleys that decimate scores of opponents. After that, they attack each other with bayonets and proceed to slaughter each other by the thousands.

Columbia Pictures
If you look closely, you can see everyone’s stabbing-hand pinky is properly extended.

It wasn’t smart or strategic, but by jove, that’s how warrin’ was done in the good old days! You know, back when wars were fought by gentlemen. More tea, Jenkins?

But Actually …

It’s unlikely linear warfare was ever anyone’s choice for an optimal strategy. It was only done because for quite a long period in military history firearm technology sucked ass. It may seem like they were using their guns the same way the 300 gang used their spears, but it’s not because they were morons who couldn’t think of an alternative. The guns weren’t much good for anything else.

Auguste Couder
“So stand in a straight line until they figure out a better way of killing you.”

Soldiers in the 17th, 18th, and early-19th centuries fought in line formations largely because the smoothbore muskets that they used were really, really inaccurate; think mostly useless beyond 50 or so yards. Add to this the fact that muskets produce so much smoke that, after a few volleys, the entire battlefield was obscured by it, and basically your only chance was to make your guys stand in a huge line and have them fire in the same general direction, hoping like hell that the flying swarm of projectiles might accidentally kill an enemy or two.

Edward Percy Moran
Muskets are the 20-sided die of gunpowder warfare.

Occasionally, they even did, but not nearly at the rate Hollywood would have you believe. In general, your average Civil War battle had a death toll of just 13 to 15 percent (but more on that in a moment).

As for the one decidedly non-goofy part of linear warfare, the dreaded bayonet charges? While they certainly took place, their murder-effectiveness tended to rate somewhere slightly below “slipped in his own fear urine and broke his neck.” Statistics from the musket period show that even some of the bloodiest battles saw just around 2 percent bayonet-inflicted casualties.

Wiki Commons
At least half of which came from people stabbing themselves in the ass when they sat down.

Yep — just like those dumbass musket barrages are actually pretty well-developed (if ineffective) tactical choices, these fearsome blade-attacks are really just a bunch of hot air. Which helps us debunk this next one …

#3. “Pretty Much Everyone On The Losing Side Dies”

Dreamworks Pictures

Where You Have Seen It:

The Last Samurai, Platoon, Gladiator, Braveheart, Stannis’ last stand on Game Of Thrones

The battle is over, and the dust has settled. Fallen men carpet the ground in all directions. The few surviving main characters look around and take solace in the fact that they are one of the lucky ones who managed to make it through. The opposing side has either been killed to a man, or the few still living turn tail and run.

Warner Bros.
“Spare the one they call ‘Tom Cruise.’ He is the chosen white one.”

The moral of the story: War is hell.

But Actually …

It sure is. But not because everyone ends up dead. You’d actually be hard-pressed to find a complete battlefield massacre anywhere outside a particularly bloodthirsty Call Of Duty session. Even a rare super-battle like WWI’s Battle Of Verdun — generally considered one of the deadliest battles in human history — saw the majority of soldiers walk away with life and limb intact. The numbers broke down like this:

2.4 million total soldiers
Up to 976,000 casualties
305,000 dead

German Federal Archives
Not exactly a party, is what we’re getting at.

And that’s about as bad as it gets. You’ll note the casualty figure is about 40 percent, and that that measures how many soldiers are put out of commission — they might have died, or gotten wounded. They might have succumbed to sickness. They may have surrendered or been captured, or just gotten a severe case of “fuck this, I’m going home.”

So, for instance, while the Civil War has an estimated 1.5 million casualties, these “only” amount to around 620,000 dead. At the battle of Gettysburg only about 6 percent of the losing Confederate army was killed on the field. Hell, this even applies to the swords-and-pikes era of warfare: As long as each side had shields and armor, not as many guys died during an infantry fight as you might think, simply because it’s pretty damn hard to kill an armor-wearing guy when all you have is a spear or short sword that you can’t really use because you’re in a goddamned battlefield and everything’s crowded.

Wiki Commons
Unless you’re standing way off to the side with a bow and arrow.

If you want to see real wartime destruction, head to the nearest military hospital instead. The biggest killer in all of mankind’s battlefields is, hands down, disease.

The reason there are so few actual combat casualties by comparison has to do with our next myth …

Email

#2. “Everyone Is Actively Trying To Murder Each Other”

Warner Bros

Where You Have Seen It:

Pretty much any movie made about war

The one constant theme in war movies is, of course, people on opposing sides trying to kill each other. It doesn’t matter whether it’s ancient Greece, feudal Japan, or WWII-era France: In every war, every man is trying his best to kill the enemy. They don’t necessarily like it, but they have to; because if they don’t, the other side will gleefully kill their asses. If anyone refuses to participate in the battle, he’s singled out as a coward. To win, we need every man to give his all, dammit!

Paramount Pictures
“They may take our lives-”
“I’M OUT!”

But Actually …

You know what the vast majority of people are really, really uncomfortable with? Murdering random people that they have never met. So they skip that part of the warrin’ experience. At least, most of them do.

After WWII, the U.S. military did studies on how many men would shoot at the enemy on their own accord. The results showed that only about 15 to 20 percent of men would voluntarily fire upon the enemy. The rest just would not fire unless an officer was present and specifically ordering them to do so.

US Army Signal Corps
“The only thing I see are the insides of my eyelids. Wait for orders.”

That’s probably how it was for most of history — most people just stayed out of it. It has changed recently, thanks to professional armies (that is, people who actually want to be there as opposed to conscripts or draftees) and conditioning techniques specifically designed to dehumanize the enemy and make killing easier. By the time the Vietnam War rolled around, the U.S. military had managed to hitch its soldiers’ fire rate up to 90 to 95 percent. But even this doesn’t mean they were actually trying to hit the target.

Yeah, it turns out U.S. troops fired 52,000 rounds for every single human they hit during the Vietnam War. It’s almost like there was a connection between this and that thing we just told you about most battles having surprisingly small fatality rates, and how full-on bayonet charges barely managed to kill anyone. Could it be people have been trying to deliberately miss each other as much as they can get away with? It’s almost as if people don’t actually enjoy war.

At the very least, it’s hard as shit to actually kill a person with a gun, even after a thousand years or so of advancements in the technology. Which brings us to …

#1. “Enemy Rifles And Machine Guns Are The Real Danger; Artillery Is Just Background Noise”

HBO

Where You Have Seen It:

Saving Private Ryan, Band Of Brothers, Gettysburg, All Quiet On The Western Front, War Horse, The Pacific

A group of soldiers is charging an enemy position, as dirt gets kicked up all around them from exploding shells. A couple extras may even get thrown screaming through the air, but for the most part you know all those artillery explosions are there mainly to create ambience. As long as the troops either keep quickly moving or find cover, we know they will probably be OK.

Universal Pictures
“You got dirt on my uniform, you Nazi bastards!”

But when the protagonist’s force encounters a machine-gun nest or a well-hidden dude with a sniper rifle, you know that shit is on.

But Actually …

Look, we kind of understand that Hollywood mainly treats artillery as an afterthought — they’ve spent decades convincing us that skeleton-liquifying explosions are a mere inconvenience.

In reality, however, artillery is your absolute worst fucking enemy on the battlefield. Machine gun pits can be — and often are, as evidenced by our significant cache of war hero articles — taken out by a single guy with a serious case of the Rambos. As for snipers, they’re generally not considered weapons of mass destruction, unless you’re up against The White Death himself. Artillery, however, has been the primary combat-related killer during most every period of warfare, from the invention of gunpowder to WWII. In WWI, an estimated 70 to 80 percent of enemy-inflicted casualties were from artillery, while machine guns and rifles were busy huddling in the corner and hoping Spanish Flu didn’t find them.

German Federal Archives
Five percent of those were from people who cracked their heads tripping over the shells.

Even if you take the explosion factor out of the equation, cannons are formidable as hell. The solid iron cannonballs used in conflicts like the Civil War had a tendency to not just land on the ground — they could pass through ranks of soldiers, a-rollin’ on the ground like the Devil’s own bowling ball and taking off limbs left and right. And that’s before they even bothered to switch to anti-personnel ammunition like grapeshot or canister shot, which basically turned cannons into vastly overpowered shotguns.

Minnesota Historical Society via Wikipedia
Those smaller balls gave out more teabaggings than every COD player and frat-bro combined.

An example of the artillery’s might: A little (except not really) guy history knows as Napoleon never brought any superweapons or true, groundbreaking innovations to the battlefield. A huge reason behind his considerable military success was the simple fact that Napoleon had a massive boner for artillery warfare, and he understood the shit out of the destruction its barrages could inflict. So he made sure he had more cannons than his opponents, which meant he could do more long-range damage, at a faster rate.

But that just brings all of this full circle. Hollywood hates that kind of warfare for the same reason real generals love it: It’s impersonal. A movie wants every battlefield death to be a meaningful duel between two badasses. One guy shooting another, or stabbing another, or flying his airplane so close to the enemy that he can look right into his eyes before pulling the trigger. Every death is the culmination of a personal drama between heroes.

US Navy
Instead of firing computerized weaponry at an enemy you can’t even see.

In reality, the vast majority of people who have died on a battlefield were blown to pieces by bombs or shells launched indiscriminately by men who couldn’t even see them, or succumbed weeks later from dehydration caused by diarrhea. And who the hell wants to watch that?

Courtesy of Cracked!

6 Misconceptions About Africa And Africans!

Africa and Africans have always been underrated, and everyday, at least one African is exposed to this reality through interactions with the western world via the internet or travel.

ss2

This annoying condescending western attitude sky-rocketed with the recent ebola crises. Anyways, who cares.  As far as we’re concerned, Africa isn’t any of these things listed below;

#6 Technological Void

Africa still operates on steam powered engines and dial-up phones right? Well, no you’re wrong.

Whatever you’ve got Africa’s got too. They just maybe get it few months after you get yours.

A Research In Motion Ltd. BlackBerry email device is pictured in New York, Tuesday, December 6, 2005. Research In Motion Ltd. isn't negotiating to settle a patent lawsuit that could shut down its BlackBerry e-mail service in the U.S. shortly, said a co-founder of the company that filed the litigation. Photographer:  Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg News. APPEARS TO BE THE 6210 PHONE:  http://uk.blackberry.com/devices/archived/6210.jsp

To think Africa has a void in technological advancement is laughable at best. Some westerners also hold the belief that South Africa is the only advanced country in Africa.

Well there you’re wrong again. There’s Egypt, Algeria and Nigeria; these three having the largest economy with Nigeria being the largest of them all.

Africa has no technology? Think again. Even the massai in 2015 now sends cattle prices via text messages.

massai2

#5 All Africans Are Black

Hmmmm, we guess calling Africa the dark continent isn’t so far-fetched after-all. Yet we feel this might be sort of an injustice to some people. Consider this question. Are all Europeans white? Are all Americans white? Are all Japanese…(Ignore the Japanese part).

Anyways you get our point. A long long time ago, foreign settlers found their way to Africa– and the ones that didn’t get murdered by tiny mosquitoes; you know those tiny shitty things that come with a horror movie theme song which they sing in your ear before they suck the shit out of you?

Anyways these, settlers lived and multiplied as the good lord ordered in the bible.(Forgive our melodrama).

Fast forward to 2015 and their descendants live here. Whites, Indians and even Chinese can now be found in Africa and live as Africans. Being African is not a color. Black does not define Africa. The content of your character defines whether you are African, (and we’re not trying to go Martin Luther on your ass).

To think all Africans are black is to think all Americans or British are white. It only translates to a high level of ignorance that truly is embarrassing. Yes we get embarrassed for westerners who display such ignorance.

#4 Africans Roll With Mufasa & The Gang

Some westerners are of the notion that wildlife is so plentiful in Africa that Africans ride giraffes around and share house with neighbors who look like Simba and Pumba.

First of all for you ignorant lots, Africa isn’t some desert or jungle with naked hunters running around. If you’ve traveled at all to Africa, you’d know Africa has cities. Cities with modern skyscrapers, cars and trains.

crowded_train.jpg.size.xxlarge.letterboxtrain2

Africa’s concrete metropolis is hardly a place where you’d catch a smooth talking zebra named Marty while he was jay-walking(or dancing shoki). That would be just weird. (A talking zebra that sounds like Chris Rock would be even weirder anyway).

Cities naturally have no conducive habitat for wildlife which is why there are nature parks and zoos all over the place. Africans would be mad to live in close proximity with lions and rhinos. Africans have babies too you know and a Panther hardly strikes as the next door baby-sitter. (And don’t you dare say Bagheera was kind to Mowgli! That was a stupid cartoon. In real life, Bagheera would eat Mowgli for breakfast)

bagheera2

#3 Africa Is One Country

Actually this should have been number one due to the sheer stupidity of it but we thought we’d just deal with it once and for all.

Some Americans and Europeans have displayed their ignorance to incredulous Africans all the time by erroneously thinking and verbally expressing that Africa is one country.

Oh woe unto the western educational system for leaving African studies in the hands of Sir H. Rider Haggard’s ‘King Solomon’s mines.’ Kids know about the shitty movie now but nothing about Africa, a continent with over fifty unique, culturally different countries.

And what’s more, this school of thoughts isn’t limited to the kids alone. Older westerners commit this blunder too. They think Africa is a country where everybody is a cousin and know each other. ( If that were the case, the Italian mob would hold nothing to the African ultimate family). But sorry to disappoint you because this is so untrue and unrealistic. The continent of Africa is the second largest with a population of over one billion people. The well known countries like Nigeria, South Africa, Kenya, Egypt, Zimbabwe, Uganda, Libya and the rest are just a few of the over fifty countries there are. Gosh what a douche some people are. To think that you’re just now learning geography on Adamsapple when you should have stayed in class.

#2 Africans Speak English?

If another western person asked you how you’re able to speak english again, you should ask them how they were born.

It’s shocking to see how some Europeans and Americans get shocked to find Africans that speak english or any other ‘civilized’ language.

To many westerners, Africans speak savage languages that sound like too many clicks (think Predator). But then, aren’t predators said to be superior to us?

Anyways, for you ignorant thinkers, the reason Africans are able to speak english quite well is because of something called a school. (How come you didn’t think of that right? Beats us too). Africa has lots of schools and some schools are even better equipped than schools in the so-called developed world. Africa is not only about all the unclothed children you see on CNN. One more thing, most Africans speak more than one language. Take that.

#1 Africans Are Stupid

Some westerners believe Africans are ‘sun-touched sons of bitches’. They think Africa cannot rule itself and will never get out of poverty and diseases. (Well at least Africans are not the ones creating global warming)

But who is really stupid? At adamsapple, we think Africans are actually very intelligent. Let’s look at the case of internet scams. Europeans and Americans are the ones who keep sending cash to phantom women in Africa. If you ask us, we think those sun-tans are beginning to touch your brains too.

Africans are also considered stupid because of this guy, Dr. James Watson. In Watson’s own words, “All our social policies are based on the fact that their(Africans) intelligence is the same as ours– whereas all the testing says not really.”

kkk2

Watson is a nobel prize winner, an award he nabbed for his role in identifying DNA back in the 50s-60s era, so one would expect his comments to be highly viable. But then, this is also a guy who back in 1997 told a British newspaper that a woman should have the right to abort her unborn child if tests proved it would grow up to be gay. He has also argued in favour of genetic screening claiming, “stupidity” could finally be cured and pretty girls could be genetically manufactured.

watson2

Watson’s colleagues have since labeled him scandalous, and his comments baseless and unscientific. But yeah, tell that to the next KKK zealot. But one thing we do know about well known people going round making racial comments is you’ve got to be the stupidest person in the universe, cuz in the twenty first century, it doesn’t take much than a fool’s tongue to get fucked. You just ask Paula Deen and Oba Akiolu of Lagos.

So there you have it. Africa isn’t what you really think and you can vacation there. A lion will eat you only if you’re bad. Lol, we’re just kidding.

Written by Segun Ogundeko.

                                                                                         This annoying condescending western attitude sky-rocketed with the recent ebola crises.

6 Bizarre Armies You Won’t Believe Won Real Victories

War … war never changes.Oh wait, yes it does. Otherwise, all of our wars would be still be fought by naked leprous giantesses. You know, like they were back in the good old days. Doesn’t sound familiar? Well, despite the homogeneous tones with which your history books have painted war, the past is full of, shall we say, “colorful” armies. Such as …

#6. The Leper Knights Of St. Lazarus

orderofsaintlazarus.com

Picture the medieval Crusaders: handsome, noble bearded men in shining white armor, swinging the broadsword of Christianity into the skulls of philistines. Now picture them physically falling apart like an army of religious zombies. Now you have a pretty good idea of what the Leper Knights of St. Lazarus were like.

Order of St. Lazarus
We’re not 100-percent sure how leprosy works, but we know zombies, dammit.

If you caught leprosy in the 12th century, your career paths were limited to “boogeyman” and “cautionary tale.” People were so scared of catching it that lepers were banished from society and forbidden to mix with healthy people. The Order of St. Lazarus was a leper hospital in Jerusalem dedicated to caring for knights who had been stricken with the disease. The Templars would send leper knights there and pay for their care — it was like a medieval VA hospital. Well … like a slightly more medieval VA hospital, at any rate.

via Wikimedia
Every Leper’s Day, they’d reminisce about the Gross War and World War Eww.

But when the Crusades escalated and the Ottoman hordes came knocking on Jerusalem’s door, the leper knights weren’t about to take it lying down. Instead of waiting to fall to pieces while their healthy cohorts did God’s work, the Order of St. Lazarus donned their armor again, picked up their broadswords, and entered the fray.

The leper knights weren’t particularly successful in their campaigns, but they earn points for having giant balls (assuming that they hadn’t fallen off yet). That doesn’t mean they weren’t formidable opponents, though. Imagine a bunch of dudes who know they’re going to die soon anyway, who can’t feel pain due to nerve damage, and who are basically walking biological weapons. Actually, if you can wait a year or so, you won’t have to imagine it — that is, if Hollywood picks up our badass new screenplay, Knight Of The Lepers.

#5. Prussia’s Giant Army (Of Giants)

via HistMag.org

If you have an interest in military history, you might have a collection of memorabilia lying around somewhere. If you’re an absurdly rich and slightly crazy Prussian king, that memorabilia might come in the form of large human beings. King Friedrich Wilhelm I of Prussia (modern-day Germany, for those frantically scouring a map) liked to collect soldiers. Real ones.

Samuel Theodor Gericke
“You have your GI Joes, I have mine.”

And not just anyone who was willing to sign up; Friedrich was obsessed with tall dudes, so much so that he scoured the world for additions to his army of giants. Anyone over six feet tall was an ideal recruit. And Friedrich didn’t handle rejection well — if someone said no, the King would pay mercenaries to kidnap him and drag his beanpole ass back to join the Prussian basketball league.

There are stories of Friedrich sending teams of talent scouts out as far as Ireland and Sweden to abduct locals whom he’d heard were particularly huge. In one case, they almost caused an international incident when they spotted a tall guy getting into a cab in Hanover and tried to grab him, only to learn later that their intended victim had been an Austrian diplomat.

Wilhelm Emele
The Schwarzeneggers have been an angry clan ever since.

If you were the king of another nation at the time, you knew that the best way to win over the nutty King of Prussia was to send him lanky dudes as gifts. The King of Russia (not the store brand knockoff of Prussia — totally different place) intentionally groomed his tallest subjects for such purposes of “diplomacy.” Friedrich didn’t simply think that an army of giants would be a good intimidation tool, though; he really, really loved his collection. When he was sick in bed, he would have his giants march through his bedroom to cheer him up with drums and, often, a bear. Why a bear?

Why not a bear?

Cornelis van Haarlem
“Nothing’s unbearable when he’s around!”
“HA … but seriously, five guys died getting him in here.”

Friedrich’s obsession only got crazier as time went on. Eventually, he mandated that the soldiers were only permitted to marry equally freakishly tall women, so that they might have even taller kids — perhaps because he was super into LARPing and Prussia was tragically short on authentic Frost Giants. After Friedrich’s death in 1740, his heir foolishly disbanded the giant army and, as we all know, Prussia was immediately invaded by the elves.

#4. The Dahomey Amazons

DP28/Wikimedia

What do you do if you have marital problems and divorce is not an option? Well, if you lived in the Dahomey kingdom in Africa, you sent your wife to join an unstoppable all-female army of rejected women. Although come to think of it, punishing your wife by sending her to a boot camp where she’s trained as an unstoppable killing machine sounds like a bad idea.

Frederick Forbes
“Well, at least she’s no longer going to be talking my head off …”

At the time, the male population of Dahomey was decimated by constant wars and the ongoing slave trade, and the King decided to open military conscription to women. Many joined up willingly, but often the ranks were filled out by wives who burned the dinner once too often and were forcibly removed to undergo military training … to learn how to prep militarily precise meatloaf? We’re not sure of the logic here.

The Dahomey Amazons swore two things: to remain abstinent and to kick ass. And kick ass they surely did. At their height, the army contained over six thousand scorned women — around half the military force of Dahomey — all of them ready and willing to rip a man’s balls off with their ritually-sharpened teeth.

via Wikimedia
And that doesn’t even get into the blades of their Amazon drones.

The Amazons were widely considered the bravest of the kingdom’s armies, and tasted defeat only twice in their history. In return, they had unparalleled freedom for women of the time: They were allowed alcohol, tobacco, and 50 slaves each, and the penalty for touching an Amazon was death. After the kingdom was defeated, the Amazon corps was disbanded, but in 1979, the last survivor, a woman named Nawi, still recalled fighting the French, before dying at well over 100. As to the fate of the disgruntled husbands, we have heard suspiciously little.

#3. Russia’s Women’s Battalion Of Death

Rheta Louise Childe

At the height of World War I, Russia’s worst enemy was their own demoralized men. So the Russians gave in to the enthusiastic petitions of women volunteers, and allowed Maria Bochkareva, a woman who had survived Siberia and two abusive husbands, to create the first all-female battalion.

George Grantham Bain collection
OF DEATH.

The Women’s Battalion of Death was established to either shame or inspire the menfolk, depending on who you ask and how they feel about fedoras. But the women in Russia’s gimmick army turned out to be a lot more badass than anyone expected.

Bochkareva, who had already been fighting semi-illegally in the Russian army since 1914, didn’t pretty up the girls for show appearances — she put her recruits through a training regime too punishing even for Tsarist Russia standards. During the catastrophic Kerensky Offensive, her unit was the only one that kept going in the battle of Smorgon, eventually capturing three German trenches. During the end of their push, men from the other units were breaking off from their own battalions to join Bochkareva.

Library of Congress
They even looked badass in the middle of a tea break.

The Women’s Battalion of Death was so successful that their unit survived the 1917 Revolution, and was only dismantled after the all-male regiments complained about their behavior. Which is to say that they didn’t appreciate the way the ladies prevented the men from retreating in the face of battle. Just like a woman, right? Always nagging you to take out the garbage, spend time with the kids, quit fleeing certain death and hurl your body at the enemy like they’re doing …

#2. The Celtic Army That Fought Naked

Karl Russ

The Gaestatae were mercenaries hired by the Celts to take part in their wars against the Roman armies. Historians describe them as young men who ran into battle with nothing but their spears in hand (not a euphemism, we assume). According to Polybius, the Gaestatae were concerned about brambles getting caught in their clothing and slowing them down, which is why they eschewed any attire. What a fantastic excuse! Hey boss, we’re afraid we’re not going to make it to work on time, slowed down by all the brambles on 4th Street, so, uh …

Karl Russ
“Hmmm … Better get rid of hair and eyebrows too, just to be safe.”

In 225 BC, the Gaestatae went up against the Romans, leading a large (and, disappointingly, dressed) Celtic force. They, of course, were entirely naked, save for their golden jewelry, charging with dongs a-flapping to the terrible din of horns, war cries, and trumpets. The Romans were surely intimidated, but for some reason, the naked maniac warriors lost to the ones with armor. The only explanation we can come up with: Reality is super lame.

#1. The Ghost Army

National Archives

The 23rd Headquarters Special Troops was an unusual division of the U.S. Army during WWII. Nicknamed “the Ghost Army,” it was fitting that their entire existence was kept top secret until 1996. With a name like that, you’re probably envisioning an army of dudes like Snake Eyes from GI Joe, attacking and disappearing into the night. The reality is a bit more … fabulous.

The Ghost Army was a special unit composed of visual artists, fashion designers, actors, and sound engineers. Their mission, besides dazzling Hitler into submission, was to use Hollywood magic, sleight of hand, and misdirection to confuse the shit out of the German forces.

Rick Beyer/Hatcher Graduate Library
Such as with the above scene, which they explained by saying, “Americans are very strong.”

They used inflatable tanks, pyrotechnics, looped sound effects, and costumes to set up fake battlefields and lure enemy units into traps. The actors of the regiment also went to local bars, made friends, flirted with women, and spread false information in the process. Their mission, “to get drunk and have sex with European girls for America,” was perhaps one of the less harrowing tales to come out of the war.

British Army
But harrowing all he same.

The Ghost Army took part in around 20 missions during WWII, and several members became famous afterward, like fashion mogul Bill Blass, sculptor Ellsworth Kelly, and actor Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. The modern-day equivalent would be if Tom Hanks, David Bowie, Stephen King, Carson Kressley, and Edgar Wright were commissioned to take down ISIS. Side note: We would watch the shit out of that movie.

Courtesy of Cracked!

6 Real-Life Doctors Straight Out Of Horror Movies

Doctors are 1) vital to our continued survival, literally, and 2) terrifying. This is a profession that routinely involves doing things like cutting people open, replacing their innards, and stitching them up like a character in a Tim Burton movie — and those are the good doctors who help people and practice medicine responsibly.

We are not here to talk about those doctors. Nope, we’re here to tell you about the creeps who used the respectability granted to them by their diplomas and white coats (mostly the white coats) to do horrible things, like …

#6. Doctor Fakes A Dead Patient’s Medical Records To Cover His Mistake (And Still Keeps His License)

kristian sekulic/Vetta/Getty Images

We’ve all experienced a brain fart at work, like when a customer tells you they want to rent Asses Of Pleasure VII and you accidentally give them an unrewound copy of Butts Of Delight VIII (we assume all our readers work at porn stores in the year 1994). In the case of Dr. Peter Choy of Miami, the brain fart lasted two years and resulted in a casualty — in 2008, he ordered a CT scan that revealed a malignant tumor in the pancreas of a patient, but he didn’t tell her about it until 2010, when it was too late to do anything about it. Unfortunately, she died two weeks later. It’s unclear from the reports whether Dr. Choy didn’t notice the tumor at first or if he simply didn’t remember to bring it up the five other times the patient returned over the years.

Hero Images/Hero Images/Getty Images
“But then we wouldn’t have time to talk about my screenplay idea, Anuses Of Ecstasy IX.”

Oh, but Dr. Choy’s story was just getting started. Fearing this mistake would spell the end of his career, Choy made the infinitely more career-ending decision to lie like a kid who just got a bad report card at school. Which is to say, he altered his patient’s records to make it look like he had warned her about the tumor. He just grabbed an old document and scrawled “possible malignant tumor” on it, which is spectacularly illegal.

NBC-6
It says that or “dirigible soylent ™” — we’re not sure.

Of course, since you’re reading about this, you’ve already guessed that this guy got caught: A judge wrote that it was an “undisputed fact” that Choy altered medical records. And then … nothing really happened. The court ordered Choy’s license to be taken away, but it was reinstated five minutes later in recognition of his 40 years of practice and squeaky-clean record — even though this wasn’t his first rodeo. In 1998, the New York board ordered Choy to surrender his license after being caught claiming he was board-certified, even though he wasn’t. He gave up his license without a second thought … because what the hell, he had three more. It totally slipped Choy’s mind to inform the states of Arizona, Florida, and New Jersey of his uncertified-ness until they discovered the deception on their own, for which they administered the same little wrist slap to the guy.

This time, Choy is being forced to pay a fee and attend a class on ethics, but, considering this is the second time he got away with lying his ass off, we’re guessing those classes aren’t likely to sink in. Let’s just hope the third time’s a charm.

#5. Dentist Forces Patients To Swallow A Special “Cleaning Solution” (AKA His Semen)

Thinkstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

Aaaaand this is where the article officially starts getting batshit insane. When you’re laying down on a dentist’s chair, you have no clue what the hell is happening in your dumb, numb, drooling mouth — you just have to sit there and trust that he won’t do something like, say, fill syringes with his own bodily fluids and empty them inside your throat. Unfortunately, in the case of Dr. John Hall from North Carolina, that trust proved to be entirely misplaced.

We’re saying he shot jizz into people’s mouths.

Adam Gault/OJO Images/Getty Images
And thus was born the least intimidating supervillain ever: Needle-Dick.

Hall’s assistants thought it was kind of weird that he kept asking them to leave the room to fetch instruments he never used and that he could constantly be overheard telling patients to “swallow” something when he was alone with them. The assistants eventually found five syringes with what turned out to be Hall’s man juice and turned them over to the police, then washed their hands for five days straight. To the patients (who couldn’t taste anything, since their mouths were anesthetized), Hall would say that the mysterious substance was “cleaning solution” or, in at least one case, “definitely not sperm.”

North Carolina State Board of Dental Examiners
“Oh, I thought you said it smells like seamen. I was a little offended.”

One of Hall’s patients also came forward to allege that, in addition to the nasty mouth rinse, Dr. Feelgood had climbed on top of her and started grinding places dentists have no business grinding. When he was exposed, Hall tried to explain away the syringes full of spunk by saying he was taking Propecia and was collecting his semen to study the effects of the miracle elixir on his little swimmers. Shockingly, this excuse didn’t fly, and he ended up pleading guilty.

After finally admitting to what he had been doing, Hall was sentenced to five years of super serious, super supervised probation … but he decided that was just too much hassle and asked for prison instead. Hall was given only four months in prison, an outcome that deeply worried and offended one of the victims and baffled the shit out of his lawyer, who admitted this was the first time any of his clients had ever opted for jail time. Maybe he’s hoping there’s a position open in the prison infirmary?

#4. Oncologist Makes Millions Falsely Diagnosing Patients With Cancer

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A high survival rate is the type of thing most doctors would kill for — but, you know, not literally, for obvious reasons. Dr. Farid Fata threw caution (and his track record) to the wind when he cottoned to an idea that would have him sleeping on piles of money in his storage locker. As an oncologist, Fata provided chemotherapy treatment to patients suffering from cancer … and those who didn’t have it, too.

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It’s the most expensive haircut they ever got.

Fata, who redefines the term “cancer doctor,” noticed his patients became considerably less profitable for him whenever they went into remission, so he decided to simply not give them the good news. That way, he could continue their treatments and keep raking in those sweet chemotherapy dollars — over 100 million of them in a six-year period. And it’s not like he was just telling them to take a couple of extra aspirins a day: He was forcing patients to put up with pain, nausea, nerve damage, and a laundry list of other potential chemotherapy side effects for no good reason (no, “buying myself a castle in Lebanon” isn’t one).

Fata Family Foundation
Apparently, stealing money from his own goddamn charity just got boring after awhile.

And since he was doing that, he figured he might as well start diagnosing patients with cancer who didn’t actually have it, all so he could bill the pricey treatments to their insurance companies. When the feds caught up with him, he had convinced a healthy woman she needed to get a completely unnecessary (and expensive) bone-marrow transplant. Did you fall and hit your head? Then it’s chemotherapy for you, says Dr. Fata! And then you die from not getting the head injury treated, as one of his patients reportedly did.

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“I’m sorry, but it’s a new boat- CANCER! It’s cancer.”

Fata predictably pled guilty to 13 counts of being a giant dick and should be sentenced sometime this year — the court just postponed the sentencing because hundreds of people are still coming forward. But hey, if there’s one consolation to Fata’s victims, it’s that they found out they don’t really have cancer. Sadly, we can’t say the same for the people who got duped by the following doctor …

#3. Doctor/Minister Sells Sun Lotion As Cancer Cure

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#NotAllEvilDoctors are male — sometimes, the evil bastard sits down to pee. Dr. Christine Daniel, who most definitely owns a vagina despite the surname, is one of said seated-peeing bastards. Daniel also treated cancer sufferers, but unlike Fata, who made everyone believe their prospects were much bleaker than they actually were, Daniel sold the promise of life itself to her desperate patients: Out of the kindness of her heart (and for a not-very-modest fee), she would hook people up with a mysterious herbal potion called “C-Extract” that could cure cancer. Or, at the very least, it could improve your esophagus’ tan, because that shit was actually just suntan lotion combined with beef flavoring and lord knows what else.

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“A dentist friend helped me out with the ingredients.”

Also unlike Fata, Daniel wasn’t even an oncologist — she was just your average family doctor. She was an ordained minister, though, and was able to use that position to peddle her snake oil on religious broadcasting networks to people of faith. Hopeful patients started trading in their legitimate treatments for Daniel’s injections, in some cases paying as much as $13,000 for a treatment that we’re pretty sure you could get for free by scraping the skin of any former Jersey Shore cast member.

Not content with only screwing over the children of God and cancer sufferers, Daniel started claiming the extract would also cure MS, Alzheimer’s disease, and myriad other terrible illnesses, because she was already going to Hell, so why not? Yes, we are as shocked as you are that some of those people asking for money while praising Jesus on TV are full of shit.

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“Look, if the popes can own a golden throne, why can’t I?”

Daniel denied the charges vehemently, but was ultimately convicted and sentenced to 14 years in prison, because lying only works if you’re a dude.

#2. Gynecologist Commits The Most Redundant Crime Ever

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Most gynecologists will tell you they’ve seen so many vaginas in their life that, to them, they’re like any other body part. But for some, the novelty never wears off. Dr. Paul Becton was definitely in the latter category. Despite Becton’s obvious easy access to lady bits, he apparently felt he needed a visual aid for those times when a patient wasn’t immediately legs askew in front of him. Instead of turning to the Internet like any normal deviant would, Becton started using his cellphone to snap pictures of his patients’ backsides behind their backs … ides.

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“Do you mind if I set up a couple of floodlights? It’s a little dark in here.”

After a rather “touchy” exam that left a patient a little confused and uncomfortable (even by OB/GYN visit standards), Becton asked her to turn around and bend over so he could check her kidneys. At this point, we’d all be shouting out the names of pornos we know this scene from, but, trusting her doctor more than her instincts, Becton’s patient complied. It was then that she noticed Becton holding his phone in the mirror, a fact the doctor tried to hide by quickly slipping the device in his pocket when she turned around. The tent that had presumably sprung up in the lower region of his coat probably helped distract attention from the phone too.

However, the patient wasn’t fooled and filed a complaint against Becton. Police subsequently found multiple naked pictures of different women on Becton’s phone, which would have been fine if it wasn’t for the fact that they all appeared to have been taken in a gynecologist’s office.

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The world’s most uncomfortable casting couch.

Becton pleaded guilty and has just been sentenced to 36 months in prison. He will also be registered as a sex offender and will no longer be allowed to practice, proving honesty does not beget rewards when you’re a huge creep. Clearly, Becton could take a few pointers from Choy up there.

#1. Fugitive Doctor Steals Patients’ Money … And Their Organs

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If you wake up in Kosovo to find yourself all alone, with sloppy stitches and a missing kidney, you either took a wrong turn somewhere and wound up in an urban legend, or you’re a patient at the Medicus Clinic. The clinic was run by Dr. Lutfi Dervishi, who employed several other doctors and his own son in a scheme to con patients out of organs and money.

Radio-Television Serbia
And the signs looked so trustworthy.

The clinic would convince people who were down on their luck that they could give their organs to those in need and make some cash — it was like donating blood, but much more painful and illegal. What they were actually doing was selling the “donated” organs on the black market, pocketing the cash, and abandoning the donors with little to no medical care. Police found records of every operation carried out, along with forms the donors had signed confirming the donations were for a “humanitarian” purpose — which is debatable, since we’re not entirely sure that the ones who benefited qualify as humans. According to the uncovered documents, 30 people were robbed of their innards in just one month, so essentially a person a day. Hopefully they could afford post-operation ice cream for everyone.

Though Dervishi was the head of the clinic, he was by no means the creepiest person involved in the organ-trafficking ring. That honor went to Dr. Yusuf Sonmez, a surgeon described by his peers as “accomplished but rebellious.” Pro Tip: “Rebellious” isn’t a quality to look for in your employees when their jobs involve holding knives.

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“Scalpels? Where we’re going, we don’t need scalpels.”

Sonmez had previously gotten into trouble for trafficking organs in Turkey before relocating his illegal activities to Kosovo. When police searched the clinic for evidence, they found boxes of medical tools with Sonmez’s name written on them, because damn these guys were not good at keeping secrets.

While the rest of Sonmez’s cronies were busy having the book thrown at them, Sonmez went on the lam, skipping not only the town but presumably the country, as officials believe the mad doctor to be somewhere in South Africa. The actual whereabouts of the man dubbed “The Vulture Doctor” are anybody’s guess, but we’re pretty sure Batman should start searching for a trail of bleeding, kidney-less South Africans.

Courtesy of cracked!

5 Ways Coca-cola Gradually Kills You!

We humans have always been a freaking suicidal bunch. Everything we engage in from wars to global warming causing inventions has always been about one thing; mass annihilation!

And then along came Coca-cola– that fizzy drink that sells over a billion cans and bottles in hours. Rated as the most popular word after “hello”, making it the most recognized brand across the globe. Nothing could be bad about this heavenly drink from the gods right?

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Well think again. That sickly brown liquid you gulp in can-loads(or bottle-loads) might be out to get you through one of this five ways:

#5 Citric Acid=Acid, baby!

Citric acid gives coke its bite and is as corrosive as battery acid when it touches the teeth. (Nothing tastes better than cold sweetened acid burning a path down your throat right?) It strips tooth enamel and might even reduce teeth to stumps.

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The citric acid is probably why coke is good as a toilet cleaning agent too.

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Our advise: Keep drinking coca-cola for increased tooth erosion.

 

#4 Sugar

We can’t stress it enough that sugar isn’t good for the human race… That thing is out to only do one thing; give us diabetes, obesity, heart disease, stroke, pile(jedi jedi) and death. Okay, that’s more than one, but who’s counting? The fact is sugar ain’t good for ya! Now, with that fact established, it’s bad that a can of coca-cola contains eight teaspoons of sugar, plus, we learned that coke when drank quickly leads to an intense sugar rush that translates to rapid drop in energy and cravings for more sugar.

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#3 Phosphoric Acid

Alright we’re back to acid again! Let’s just accept the whole shitty– sorry–fizzy drink is nothing but acid drink! Anyways, phosphoric acid is a clear odorless chemical that renders coke its tangy flavour. It has been found to be a probable cause of kidney stones and calcium loss in bones(especially female bones. It just cleans out your bone marrow juices to a sparkling feebleness). No wonder coca-cola is an effective rust remover. You just put old coins and metal in a bottle of coke to bring back their lustre and shine.

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#2 BPA (Bisphenol A)

This substance is found in the linings of coca-cola cans and is linked to heart diseases, cancer and birth defects. It mimics oestrogen and may disrupt fetuses(meaning you may have male genitals yet retain a girl’s mannerisms) Sorry dude.

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Other items on BPA’s main course are breast cancer, liver damage and fertility problems. Luckily you won’t be blessed with all.

 

#1 Chemical-4-methytimidazole (4-mi)

What the hell is that? The name sounds like something meant to be picked up a psychiatric ward’s drug counter wouldn’t you agree? But on second thoughts, why shouldn’t it sound like that?

Coca-cola is said to have being originally concocted as a brain tonic back in 1886 to treat sick headaches, neuralgia, hysteria, and melancholy.

Chemical-4-methytimidazole gives the fizzy drink its colour but is listed as potential carcinogen that causes cancer. However, the coca-cola manufacturers have claimed it is safe to consume this in low doses.

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At adamsapple, we feel that’s like telling us to ‘drink responsibly’.

Problem is last time we checked, that slogan was exclusive to alcohol ads; alcohol being a form of drug that causes liver damage, depression, anxiety, slurred speech, drunk-driving and death. So if we applied the ‘drink low doses’ of coca-cola, it literally means we drink at our own peril and are to ‘drink coca-cola responsibly’. Are we then safe to classify this fizzy drink as a drug that might kill you in the not so distant future, along with your kids, either born, or unborn, since coca-cola is not censored for kids? Well, we’ll let you decide.

 

 

If it’s well researched, filled with sarcasm and got you smiling, (or better– laughing) then it’s written by Segun Ddark Prince Ogundeko.

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